Just a slump, or did my brain die?

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WTF is wrong with my brain lately?

I wish I could say I had an obnoxiously amazing excuse not to post lately. Like, I went on a vacation around the world, or my husband FINALLY decided to stalk me too.  We’ve both been caught up staring into each others bespectacled eyes and sniffing each other, and couldn’t get anything done. The fanfiction that has been could be written on the subject has already  could fill three notebooks!

Naw, it ain’t like that. I just couldn’t think. I had ideas. Plenty of ideas! I just couldn’t put my ideas into words. I was beginning to think my brain had rotted. Maybe a portion of it did. The part that is used for math. You know, the part that doesn’t work anymore. No one would notice anyway. It’s not like I was a math wizard saving the world with my revolutionary math equations. Damnit. That sounds cool.

  It’s not like I care.  I don’t.

Anyway, if I was gonna be any kind of wizard I’d rather have the power to make all cats love me, and make my husband obsessed with me. I have small dreams, really.

I was actually starting to get desperate. I almost posted some of my husband fanfiction just to get something on this wasteland of a blog. Take a gander at this…

“He was so overcome by her choice ass Victoria Secret supermodel hair and hairless mustache and beard areas that he bought her a fluffy cat. She named it Cookies and would pet that fluffy cat while her masculine husband’s muscles rippled as he put together bookshelves for the many, many books he purchased for her everyday”.

The. Damn. End.

I have others, but that one is my favorite. My hair is lit, and I’m missing facial hair. I know, I missed my calling as a fanfiction writer, but I figured everyone would eventually get tired of hearing about my husband, and fairly certain my husband would kill me or possibly run away from home. So, I thought not.

my fanfic

I’ve sat here for weeks trying to force words with awkward and sometimes abysmal results. I even read other blogs with some salty results. My daughter caught me one afternoon reading one witty, and cleverly crafted blog post. I was ranting how it, “wasn’t shit” and “that bitch probably had a pancake ass”. My daughter asked why I was screaming and crying while looking at the computer? I told her to mind her own damn business and leave me alone to die. She did.

I’m not sure how other people combat writer’s block, or if I can actually claim writer’s block since I ain’t shit. Maybe I’ll just post all of my husband fanfiction from now on when I can’t think of anything to post because I can’t promise this won’t happen again.

Things are gonna get really weird in here, guys. Prepare your goggles and OSHA approved hazmat suits to prevent that second hand embarrassment.

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No, nu, NOPE: Don’t do it, brain. Don’t you do it! Pay attention.

tinawendy

As I sit here staring at this completely blank computer screen, there are a billion things going through my mind. Summer hasn’t been kind to my motivation. I’m lucky I’m even sitting here in front of the computer, and not somewhere in my house eating. My brain just won’t shut up so I can concentrate.

“How can I get my cat to shit in the toilet”? “I would save so much money in kitty litter”. “I bet I could make a youtube video of Stinky Cat pushing one out over the toilet, and it would get a million views”. “Then he’d be famous, but I doubt he’d want to be famous for taking a shit”.

“God, is it Christmas yet”? “I have to RSVP to that birthday party. No one ever RSVPs to my things. Why doesn’t anyone RSVP to my things? They show up. Do they just think I love surprises because I don’t. Did someone spread that rumor. I need to kill whoever spread that rumor about me loving surprises and hating RSVPs even though I specifically ask for them on invitations”. “Did I get fatter”? “Man, that friggin’ sessy bikini body just gets further and further out of reach”. “Damn, these chips are amazing”! “I friggin’ LOVE chili cheese fritos, oh, I really need to start typing something soon”.

“Reminds me of high school, and how I used to eat the crap out them”. “I bet they made my breath stink like fart, and that’s why I never had any boyfriends”. “Yeeaah, that’s why”. “Okay, it can’t be this hard to come up with something. JUST START TYPING WORDS, STUPID”!! “That’s it! I bet if I just start randomly typing something will come to me. Damn, I’m a genius”.

I’m a genius. I came up with a great idea. Kittys doing a push on the toilet and chili cheese fritos! I wonder if I could eat my way to a bikini body? Is that a thing? I bet I could make it a thing! I could, and then I could make a youtube video about how I ate my way into a sexy bikini! It’d get a million views. Me and the cat would be youtube famous! Me for the food, and him doing a push! Still, he would object to being filmed while hovering over the commode. I’d have to be stealthy. Would that make me a pervert? I mean, I wouldn’t get any enjoyment out of it. I mean, I might laugh, but that’s about it. But, who wouldn’t laugh at a cat pushing a brick over the toilet? I defy anyone to not laugh! Wait, did that sentence make sense? Nope, not going back. Too late. It’s already happened. Screw that sentence. We don’t go back for the weak here. ONLY THE STRONG SURVIVE!!!! What the hell am I even talking about? I’m going to stop, read it, and see if I have any ideas yet………….

That was utter and complete trash. I’m trash. My hands typed trash. My cat should be ashamed to even be apart of that paragraph. I think I might just go eat myself into a fat coma and die. Whose idea was this blog anyway? It couldn’t have been mine. Why won’t my dog stop peeing in the house? Does she hate me? That’s why she does it, isn’t it? She hates living with me just like the last two dogs that wouldn’t come to me when I called when we were at my in-laws. Just hid behind the house like two jerks. They just waited there until I got in the car, and then came out. They liked my in-laws better than me.

My mother in-law called me to tell me I forgot my dogs. I just sat there weeping quietly over the phone and said, “no, they’ve made their choice, and must live with it. God be with them now”. She made me come get them anyway, and had to help me catch them because they didn’t want to leave. Once they saw my car they ran away again. I never wanted to jump off a bridge more in my life than when my shitty little dogs that I took such great care of kept running away from me and my mother in-law had to catch them and bring them to me.

They had claimed her, and marked her as their new mother.

Ugh, I’m just gonna give up now. I don’t have anything, and sitting here with this insane crap typed out is making me want to turn into a human Popple, and roll under the couch. Maybe I’ll watch a whole season of Doctor Who and then binge read a bunch of juicy fanfiction, not that I do that…because I don’t.

Maybe I’ll get one of my kids to type something. They’re funny. Maybe they’ll knock one out of the park for me today. God, that would be awesome. Let me just go ask……

Kid One:

“I don’t want to, mom. I’m playing Minecraft….can you shut the door?”

I hate you, kid. I just hate your face.

Kid Two:

Okay, I got a joke. Once upon a time there was a little boy named Johhny, and he went to an ice cream stand. He asked the lady for a vanilla cone, and make it split. The lady said, “would you like some chocolate with that?” he said “yeah, sure”. Would you like some sprinkles with that? “yeah sure”. Would you like some nuts with that? “Yeah, sure”. Would you like those nuts crushed? “HELL no lady! Would you like your titties shot off”?!

Welp, I did ask for help. I guess that was more help than I got from the other one.

I might try again on Friday. Yeah, Friday. That sounds good. I will probably have lots of ideas by then. (muffled sobbing noises) I’m sure of it.