Embarrassing moments: part two

I figured that since I didn’t do very many on Tuesday I would continue this theme to Thursday. If you know me personally you probably know these stories already. Sorry for the repeat, but for everyone else, enjoy. I’m only doing one photo today since my stories are sort of long.

 

Embarrassing photo:

wendy mixed
Me with my two completely normal cousins.

 

Look at that perm! That stupid face that almost seems like I’m high! Almost diverts your attention from that ugly ass sweatshirt I’m wearing. Almost. You can’t make it out, but I have a koolaid stache. Yeah, I was one of those kids. I’ve said it many times before, but I was a gorgeous child. GORGEOUS. I illuminated the world with my overbite smile.

This photo has my cousins so that everyone can see for themselves just what we’re dealing with here. Normal children smile like civilized people. They don’t do whatever it is I’m doing in this picture. I was trying to give my much taller cousin William rabbit ears. It was my attempt was unsuccessful  as the ears were nowhere near his head. At all. My tiny adorable cousin Eric was safe from me on the other side of his older brother. Way to take one for the team William.

 

Embarrassing Story #1:

I was in the grocery store with the kids. We had a basket, laden with food and sundries. Reading between the lines:

I hadn’t shopped in two weeks and my husband’s socks were in danger of being used as a toilet paper replacement in the near future.

As I strolled down the aisle I saw what I assumed was a friend of mine in the distance and waved. Okay, I need you to understand what kind of waving I’m talking about here. Not the miss America polite wave, or the timid “please don’t stonewall me” finger flutter. This was the full on, total body convulsing that you only save for people  you know really well and have no problems looking stupid for. We are talking full stadium wave like people do during sporting events. You know, the kind of wave you reserve for people you know won’t leave you hanging in the “do we or don’t we acknowledge each other” dance we all do in public.

Here I am, full body waving and my friend looks confused. I’m thinking what the hell, friend? Wave back you ungrateful bitch.  I get closer and realize too late that this is NOT my bro, but a complete and total stranger. A total stranger who was almost turning circles trying to figure out who I was flailing at. Of course, in my panic I continued to wave. I mean, I still had a few feet before I was actually face to face with this person. How often do you get a chance to embarrass yourself completely and lose all sense of what it’s like to be a human being? There is a sort of freedom in having nothing to lose.  One of my New Year’s resolutions this year was to go outside of my comfort zone. I couldn’t possibly let this chance go by me without savoring it. Mmm, so much savoring.

I hate myself sometimes.

Then Thomas chimes in just as I’m almost consumed by all the self loathing by asking “mom, do you know that lady?”

I had spiraled so far down the shame hole that I was incapable of anything above a whisper and hissed “NO, I have no idea who that is!”

Swiveling to face me, Molly quipped in a monotone voice, “then why are you waving at her”?

Why indeed you little traitor? Obviously, I’m reveling in this moment of unparalleled dread and humiliation. Duh.

As this soon-to-be new acquaintance got closer I had a clear decision to make. I could be an adult and stop waving, smile, and admit my mistake. OR, I could pretend like it never happened. It wasn’t a choice really. Screw maturity. I scraped up what little bit of self esteem I could and, in an ever so natural looking way, pretended like my eyes were following an imaginary friend as if they had quickly gone down another aisle and slowly put my hand down. Of course I wouldn’t still be waving if “my friend” that so clearly wasn’t this stranger, had walked down an aisle without seeing me. I mean, with all that flailing I had done that was totally possible. I pantomimed the desire to follow my friend and smooth sailed like a villain passed the confused stranger like I had never made direct eye contact with her. She must have been mistaken. I was so clearly chasing my phantom friend down. I was full of purpose. I was a concerned friend. I gave my make believe friend a great back story too. It was dramatic and she needed me. Why else would she dramatically turn down an aisle so fast no one else in the store saw her?

I zoomed down an aisle and stood still until I was sure my ruse had worked. No one came back to accuse me of giving everyone in the store second hand embarrassment so….SCORE! I was the best actor on the planet. My method acting game was just too strong for that store. I deserved an Oscar. A fucking Oscar. Before I got too far ahead of myself both children began questioning why we went down an aisle we’d already visited, and just what happened to that friend?

I did a little razzle dazzle, mentioned candy, and got out of that store as quickly as possible.

Embarrassing Story #2:

One time when I was dropping my daughter off at Montessori school, and I took her into the building. She was tiny and wanted me to walk her to the lunch room. When I came out I got in my car and went to stick my keys in the ignition only to discover there were already keys in the ignition, and the car was running…and I was in someone else’s car entirely. For the first time since I sat down, I looked around and realized that this was a plush Lincoln town car. I drove a Nissan Xterra at the time. How I thought it was my car is still a mystery.

Very quickly understanding that if the owner of this car came out and saw me sitting in the driver’s seat they would assume I was doing burglary. NOT just being an idiot. Which I was. I was frozen in place for a full three seconds with my hands in the air trying to not get my finger prints on anything. Then I jumped out and crawled along the ground as quickly as panic would move my body back to my car, which was parked directly behind this car.

I’m not saying it was their fault, but I was the only one in the parking lot when I took my daughter into the building. So, you know if that doesn’t say whose fault it was then I don’t know what else to say. Yes, I realize it was my fault for being too stupid to not get into a Lincoln town car instead of my own car which was up off the ground while the Lincoln town car basically scrapes along the ground. Don’t even get me started on those seats either. I felt like I was sitting on pillows. I would have taken a nap if I wasn’t about to catch a case for robbery.

Well, that was fun. I have so many more stories and enough horrible photos to fill a dumpster. Maybe I’ll do this again. Who knows.

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My favorite embarrassing moments

I’ve embarrassed myself countless times over the years. Too many to count really, but there are a few that give me a good laugh when I think about them.  They’re too good to not share. Honestly, I don’t think embarrassing things should be hidden, but shared, so everyone can laugh. Like, awful photos where you’re sporting all the double chins or making the ugliest face possible. They make everything better when you’re having a horrible day. Oh, and there are some of those too.

 

My most recent ugly picture. I treasure it. I have never laughed so much in my life. I forced my husband to take my picture with this turtle I found by our pond.

turtlewendy
If I licks it. It’s mine.

But then, since I’m a photo editing genius I made it better.

turtle twins
So party, brah.

 

My first embarrassing moment on the list:

As my class lined up on picture day in the second grade, I was super proud of my outfit. It was a  black velvet sweater dress with a red plaid teddy bear. The Mary Janes and frilly socks were the matches that set the bonfire that was my outfit ablaze. I was over confident since I was wearing the black velvet teddy bear sweater dress, and I started cracking jokes. I was making people laugh, but I was making myself laugh harder. I laughed so hard in fact that I peed. Just peed right there in the sand. I stood there for a second trying to figure out what I was going to do and if anyone noticed, but no one did. As ridiculous as I am, I laughed even harder at how absurd my situation was. I just peed and no one noticed. I just stepped over it and walked to go take pictures. I’m sorry to the kid who sat in my wet spot after me.

 

horrible bangs
Someone pray for this child’s head.

This photograph^^^ is from kindergarten. Behold my shitty bangs! I’m not sure why they are like this, but I could have used an emergency set of clip-in bangs. Also, the way my hair is brushed makes it look like I’ve got a very majestic mullet. It’s a mullet steeped in freedom and all that the constitution stands for. If you get really quiet, you can hear our national anthem gently serenading you from the party section of my mullet.

I could fill this post with pictures of nothing but school pictures. I won’t, but I could. My mother needs to give me the photo albums of all my school photos. They are truly a horror. I love them. As a child it used to bum me out how I looked like a tiny goblin, but once I hit jr. high I started seeing how unbelievably funny they were, and began to look forward to the train wreck of getting those picture packets. I can’t say the same for my parents, but they are required to love me, so I don’t care.

wendymullet
I would use this picture for everything if I could.

My next embarrassing story involves this ^^^ picture. I’m not just using it because I love it. I do, but it is an integral part of this story. When I was in the sixth grade I was self conscious about my eyebrows. I have rectangular eyebrows, and picture day was coming soon. I couldn’t do anything about the Reba McIntyre (I saw it as a Prince mullet but whatever) mullet, but I could do something about the eyebrows. A smart girl would have asked her mother. I wasn’t a smart girl. My mother’s eyebrows were on a such an expert level that she had trained the hairs to grow perfectly in line, and figured she would try to take my thick rectangles in the same direction. What did I do? Since I was too lazy to use tweezers and figured it would be the same thing only quicker I grabbed a razor and started shaving.

For all those that haven’t made this mistake, let me just say that it isn’t the same. At all. I also shaved one side at a time and managed to shave waaay too much eyebrow off. I panicked and put the razor down before I shaved them all the way off. I knew there was no way I was going to be able to draw them back on. I had no idea how make up worked. I was in art class, but I was pretty sure it was going to be different on my face. I quickly went to bed and hoped my eyebrows would spontaneously grow back overnight. I didn’t know anything about hair growth since I had no leg hair to shave, so as far as I knew, my eyebrows might have been like wolf man eyebrows once poked.

They weren’t. My brow was still just as bald when I woke up as when I went to bed. I came up with the clever idea to wear sunglasses that hid my eyebrows. I was a genius. I could change my persona at school. I could be that cool girl that always wears sunglasses. I would wear them during my school picture and that would make me stand out as a bad ass girl that didn’t follow the rules with a devil may care attitude. IT WOULD WORK!!

Except, it didn’t work. My mom asked me why I was wearing the sunglasses the second I got in the car. I said it was to mix up my persona at school, and she told me to take them off. My cool girl persona was short lived. RIP cool girl Wendy persona, you might have worked. Probably. Once the sunglasses were off, my mom took one look at me and other than her eyes widening considerably she did not let on that she noticed what I had done. She trained her eyes forward for the rest of the car ride. Every once in a while she would break out in a crazy, strained grin that I realize now was her way of trying not to laugh until she peed her pants.

I’ve always thanked her for that small favor. The illusion that it wasn’t noticeable that she kept up helped me get out of the car with far more confidence than I had any right to, and walk into school.

 

I only did a few embarrassing moments and pictures, but I honestly could have kept going forever. Maybe I will. Maybe I’ll continue this on Thursday. Who knows.