I’ve been thinking about thigh gaps

I don’t understand why people tear themselves apart trying to get ’em. Don’t get me wrong. If you have ’em, that’s cool. I just don’t want one, and I’ll tell you why.

I feel like my thighs keep my cooter warm. If I had a thigh gap imagine all of the heat loss I would incur that my thighs churn up. I don’t even want to think about what I’d have to do to keep my Barbara Bush warm. Two pairs of underwear? A heating pad? One of those warming pads you have to break shoved in my underwear that might burn my whisker biscuit? God, it all sounds like torture to an eternally lazy slob like me.

My husband complains now when I put my cold feet on him. I can’t even imagine how he’d scream if I put my beaversicle on him. He’d have to chip away at it with an ice pick just to get away from me. My cooter would be like the vagina embodiment of Hoth from Star Wars. There would be no tauntaun cozy enough to warm you up after that shit.

And, I’m feeling like those things have to get the wind tunnel effect, essentially just funneling air into your now frozen cooz. Congratulations, you’ve got monster queefs now. Without them thighs there to muffle the noise. You’re looking at some serious ear damage and embarrassment. Thighs would prevent all of that. OR, maybe that could be a new party trick. You could monster queef your way into Youtube celebrity. You could sit in your car and do a dubsmash, or Vine of your ear drum busting monster queefs.

Projectiles and predators after your sweet, sweet trouser treasure would have easier access to it. They could just fly or run straight at it, and snatch it right off your body, or burrow right into it. Oops, they sank your battleship.

I’m not saying any of this is likely, but I’m not saying it’s less likely.

Thigh gaps aren’t bad. I’m just saying they aren’t something to beat yourself up over. Sure people can hold a conversation on either side of your body if you’ve got a thigh gap, but is that really something you want happening on a regular basis?