DIY bidet from a water hose and other bad ideas I had today

We, my husband and I, made a New Year’s resolution to be better with money. We decided to stop eating out so much and stop doing other stupid things with our money that bring us joy.

Sack lunches for everyone here!

Today I took it a step further. We ran out of toilet paper. Standing in front of the sea of paper designed to wipe our butts I noticed the prices for the first time. Have I really been paying $14 fucking dollars for a pack of toilet paper? Have I been eating paint chips? I get that it’s a necessity unless I wanna drag the water hose in the house and rig up a DIY bidet. Tres chic! I’m sure my guests will love that one. I could see me coming up with some bullshit excuse for why there’s no toilet paper, but there’s a damn water hose in the bathroom.

“Umm, we are worried about our eco foot print, and we just…(condescending sigh) REALLY wanted to make some changes. So enjoy our lovely bidet we made”.

No one would ever come over. EVER. AGAIN. But my booty would be squeaky clean.

Anyway, armed with my new sense of budget purpose I searched for the cheapest toilet paper the store had, and I found it…on the bottom shelf. Individually wrapped in paper, and for only .99 cents that was the toilet paper for me. I snatched two rolls and headed home to try it out.

It’s so thin, but so sharp. Like rubbing a cheese grater across your anus.


I have decided that this paper says one of two things about you as a person. Either you are horrible with money and your poor choices have led to this, or you are super cheap and your tightfistedness have landed you in your current situation. In either scenario you should seriously have a time out and rethink some things in your life.

I opened it and a sense of deja vu overtook me. Ahhh, I had seen this toilet paper before. College.

This was the John Wayne toilet paper that I had scrapped across my anus while in college.


After having utilized this rough rider paper I can honestly say that it’s as close as a you can get to wiping your ass with a piece of printer paper. How can something that is as thin as tissue paper hurt so much? I don’t think I have a particularly wimpy asshole or anything, but I also ain’t trying to rub gravel in it. I would rather use one of my husband’s clean socks to wipe my butt with next time. Don’t look at me like that, I’m not going to use one of my own and ruin it.

Anything would be better than that John Wayne paper, but it sure was good for my budget. Especially when you consider how long it will last as all of us are going to avoid going to the bathroom at home as much as possible.




11 thoughts on “DIY bidet from a water hose and other bad ideas I had today

  1. Erin S. Burns January 8, 2016 / 12:10 am

    I decided that rather than misery, I would coupon the hell out of life. 12 double rolls of Cottonelle Aloe and vitamin E is $6.97, plus you can print a 0.75 coupon from the website, and then there was an Ibotta for a dollar off.

    Be kind to your anus, lord knows what kind of expenses that John Wayne toilet paper can inflict.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Erin S. Burns January 8, 2016 / 12:11 am

      That’s the kind of thing you only put out when you have guests you don’t want returning.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Wendy January 8, 2016 / 1:33 am

      I’m taking bets on whose anus has a serious prolapse first, mine or Doug’s?


  2. cookiestrangelove January 8, 2016 / 1:03 am

    I have been in this situation. I decided to scrimp on paper towels instead of tp. My chocolate starfish thanked me. Especially since I have a particularly sensitive (wimpy) stomach.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wendy January 8, 2016 / 1:30 am

      I’m waiting to see my husband’s reaction after he tries to “make a push”.


  3. Cynthia Lebeau January 8, 2016 / 1:12 am

    my job provides me with luxury tp every quarter. I hope I don’t run out.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wendy January 8, 2016 / 1:31 am

      AH HAHAHAHA! Are you saying that you pilfer the paper products or are they generous with their 2-ply?


  4. cookiestrangelove January 8, 2016 / 1:27 am

    I too, have been in this predicament. I decided to scrimp on paper towels after trying the sandpaper style cheapo tp. I have a very sensitive tummy. And my chocolate starfish thanked me.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Nick January 8, 2016 / 1:39 am

    Chocolate starfish. Make a push. If I had potty humor this well written growing up, I’d either be a huge comedic star right now or serving 10 to 20 in the big house…haha

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wendy January 8, 2016 / 1:47 am

      Lol, making a push has to be the filthiest way to say “i’m pooping” possible. I love it.


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