I updated my computer to Windows 10, or 15…I don’t actually know. Honestly, it was my husband who did it. I was just the idiot sitting in front of the laptop watching it do it’s voodoo devil computer magic. A few times it would tease me and look like it was done, but it wasn’t. Damn it, it wasn’t. I literally had enough time to go make myself a sandwich, check Facebook a billion times from my phone, and stare at myself critically in the mirror while questioning the meaning of life. What did it all mean? Why was it taking so long for my computer to update? Why were my ears so fricking lopsided? How in the hell did they get that way? Had they always been that way? Why didn’t anyone tell me?
I just wanted to read fanfiction, and look at funny pictures of animals acting like peoples. Yes, I could look at those things from my phone or my tablet, but was the principal of the thing. I went through all the stages of computer updating.
- False bravado- the second the updating starts you tell yourself it’s no big deal, and that you don’t care one way or the other. Underneath it all you care. You care very much. The more people in the room, the more false bravado a person seems to have.
- Whining and body flailing- this is the be done in front of the updating computer, so that the offending computer can see what state of suffering it has put you in. The more your body convulses and the more bitter and petty your complaints the better. Extra points if you cry.
- Pointless Rage- Had enough your computer’s shit? Ready to flip a computer desk? Welcome to stage three! This is where all of those awesome swear words you learned in the fourth grade come in handy. The redder you get, more spittle flying from your mouth, and more ridiculous the cuss word combinations the better. I once screamed, “you donkey farting poop bag!” at a computer. No cuss words, but it felt amazing, and the computer felt the full extent of my hatred and anger.
- Bargaining/begging- Sure it’s an inanimate object, but it holds the magic of the internet inside, so it stands to reason that some groveling, and offering up both of your children might work. Light a few candles, draw a chalk outline, and get to offering that old Halloween candy. Who knows, maybe your computer likes Kit Kat that have gone chalky white.
If you’re wondering, no, there is no acceptance stage. No one accepts the slowness of an updating computer. You just keep repeating the four stages until your computer magically finishes, and allows you to use it to look up the new slang acronym everyone is using and what the hell it means.
I survived the Windows 10 update, but at a price. An undisclosed amount of my time was wasted NOT on the internet. I hated every second of it.