*I’m a damn lady. I just wanted to get that out of the way. Right off the bat before I go any further and completely shame myself. a dainty lady with tiny NOT sausage hands, and a long swan-like neck. I mutter this to myself while slathering face bleach on my entire face on a weekly basis. It helps. No, but I just needed everyone to be clear on that fact. I am a pretty lady in frilly, fancy dresses with absolutely no appetite at all! *
I’m strange. Shock and gasp! Sit down you sarcastic, asshole. So, hear me out without adding your smarmy two cents. So, my husband and I have been together for 15 years, we started farting in front of each other the second it was clear that neither one of us was backing out because we are probably the two gassiest people on planet earth. If we had held our farts in any longer we might have both blown up in some kind of weird, less romantic Romeo and Juliet.
“They just couldn’t be together because they held too many farts in. It was tragic…and smelly. Someone crack a window”. Anyway, so yeah, farting right off the bat was a green light, but I just recently told him what my childhood pet’s name was that died when I was sixteen. Like, yesterday, and it wasn’t for safety reasons because I don’t trust him with my password to everything…because that isn’t it. I was too embarrassed. Too embarrassed. Let that sink in for a second.
I’m not too embarrassed to let him hear AND smell my unholy fajita farts, but I’m too embarrassed for him to hear the name I gave a beloved kitty when I was four.
It was Middie Meow Meow.
I’ll wait while you collect yourselves. I understand how ridiculous that name sounds, but I was four, and I’m pretty sure it was supposed to be KITTY, but I had a hard time saying kitty. Also, meow is the noise a cat makes so, choke on that you jerks! I was a tiny four year old genius. I properly identified, and assigned the correct sound to the right animal. Thank you very much, Sesame Street.
I have become much better at naming pets since the Middie Meow Meow debacle of 1985. Don’t believe me? The following is a list of the names of my pets and their awesome names.
B.F. Pickles (you don’t want to know what B.F. stands for)
Monty Chunkee Monkee
See? Completely normal. Now, if you’ll excuse me. I have to go hide under the fridge until the embarrassment wears off.