Juicing my way to a serious case of the boo boo guts

juice

Okay, I love juicing. It’s tasty, and it makes me feel great, but I have just one tiny issue with juicing. It’s just a little problem.

The farting.

The heinous, indescribable, almost solid-like farts. I basically have to hole up in the bathroom after I’ve had some juice for ten minutes until the first wave of monster farts pass.

I kind feel like that’s something someone should have told me when I started this juicing business. Like, there should been a disclaimer on my fancy juicer:

“May cause sharting”

And, I have questions. How can some of you ladies that juice wear yoga pants without fear? Do you realize that those pants aren’t going to hold any of that stink in? Are you guys really doing yoga after drinking juice? Crap, I worry about who is standing behind me if I bend over. Are you crazy? Stretching seems like something my intestines cannot handle. And running, forget about it. The noises and smells erupting from my body when I jostle around leave nothing but ruin and despair in my wake.

Are your guts made of iron? Are you picking a fight with me by flaunting how you can do what you want while juicing? Because I’m pretty sure you don’t want to do that while I’m so full of juice. It won’t end well for you. Why is no one talking about this? Why is everyone going around holding in their farts, and pretending that everything is fine? I don’t understand! I smell like one big broccoli fart all day long. My kids are starting to complain. I can’t spend all of my time in the bathroom or outside. I have stuff to do.

You’re not supposed to hold your farts in anyways. It’s bad for you. I’m not sure what the solution is because I’m not going to stop drinking the juices because I’m super lazy. It’s the lazy way to cram all of those fruits and vegetables into my daily routine without actually having to chew them. That’s what it all boils down to for me, being healthy with the least amount of effort. If only I could stop all of the farting.  Farting is only funny and cute when you’re a little kid. No one is impressed or understanding when you’re a grown woman, and you rip a giant veggie fart in Victoria Secret while looking at bras. They stare at you with their judgy eyes.

Maybe it’s my body’s way of telling me that I’m not supposed to be eating so many fruits and vegetables? It’s rejecting all of the healthy stuff I’m feeding it. I’ve been feeding it trash for so long it’s confused. It’s wanting to know where the bits of burrito wrappers and fast food are. Sorry, body. You’ll just have to get used it. We eat healthy now. You’re just going to have to stop throwing a damn tantrum like a three year old baby, and stop trying to blow up. Thanks a bunch.

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