I was trolling the internet after my husband made me begrudgingly tromp all over the land we just purchased. I was gross, smelly, and I should have been in the shower instead of sitting on the couch, but it’s my house, and I do what I want. An article with the title “handsome gorilla” caught my eye, and I just knew it was going to be wonderful. With my bean soup all over face, I clicked the link and was rewarded with cute pictures of an adorable gorilla doing poses like peoples. Reading the article was not so cute. Apparently ladies were flocking to the zoo this adorable gorilla is located and clamoring over how sexy he is. Wut? I mean, I could see if gorilla ladies are going nuts over him. He seems like he would be hella sexy to gorilla ladies, but not people ladies. What in the world could he offer you? Let’s just SAY he decided to wife you….
Hope you like having all your dates at the zoo. Oh, you were hoping he could take you to that new French restaurant? NOPE. He takes one step outta that enclosure, and he’s getting a whole ass full of tranquillizers.
You decide matching couple shirts are a good idea, so you guys can wear them together you buy some, and take them to him because, you know, he can’t leave the zoo. He snatches them from your manicured hands through the bars and rips them into little pieces, and flings a tiny bit of poop at you. Don’t catch no feelings, girl. That’s only gonna get you a hair full of poo.
He’s already got kids, and three wives. Still think he’s dreamy? Still think it can work between the two of you? He ain’t a one woman gorilla, girl. Don’t catch feelings. Do you really want to be a stepmother to a bunch of gorilla babies? That’s a whole lot of tiny adorable baby gorilla poo being thrown your way, and you know you won’t be able to afford presents to win their affection the easy way after the dry cleaning bills.
Still thinking he might be the one? Go ahead and introduce your parents to him. Of course, you’ll have to drive your parents to the zoo. When your mom attempts to hand over a homemade lasagna, the gorilla slaps it across the gorilla exhibit. There is a tense silence, so your father attempts to smooth things over by extending his hand for a manly handshake. Big mistake. The gorilla feels challenged, and just rips your dads arm right off and chunks it near the lasagna. Suddenly, the sun is blotted out as a storm of poop begins of fall down of all of you.
As you slow motion run past your mom’s ruined lasagna and scoop up your dad’s arm, you send one last tearful look towards the gorilla enclosure. He’s picking his nose…majestically. That’s when you finally realize he was never yours.