I’m an adult I swear. Honestly, no I’m serious as balls, but I have a problem with telling myself no. The following is a list of things I can’t stop doing. I’ll probably still be doing them when the sun explodes, or reptiles take over the planet.
1. Reading books until the sun comes up. I have good intentions. I tell myself I’ll go to bed, or that I can speed read through the next seven chapters, but somehow I end up reading it slowly and then BOOM! It’s 8 a.m., and I hate everyone. I’m a grown up.
2. “I’ll just have two servings of that then stop”. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Never in my life has this ever happened. It’s a fun idea in theory. I like to pretend that I’m a dainty lady with a waif like appetite that makes me seem cute instead of the monster hole in my stomach that scares people, and has them loudly questioning whether or not I have a tapeworm. I don’t…..asshole.
3. I won’t forget to check my beard area for strays. Every damn time. Every. Damn. Time. It never fails that I leave my house thinking I look cute with a long as hell Rapunzel hair, whipping gloriously in the breeze. Why didn’t my mom prepare me for this? Why didn’t someone tell me I would spontaneously become a man in my thirties, and have to cry in my closet with a vat of wax?
4. I will maintain my dignity while reading fanfiction. I would like to say that this one is a slam dunk, but I’m sorry, mom. Your daughter is a trashbag. A greasy, crazed bag of trash with food on her shirt, and sometimes wailing loudly while reading the fanfiction.
It’s even worse if it isn’t finished yet. Once again, I’m an adult. (sobs) I’m an adult, and I don’t read fanfiction based on the works of Jane Austen….I don’t! Don’t even ask me about good Henry Crawford/Fanny Price fanfiction because I wouldn’t be able to give you AMAZING recommendations.
5. I won’t yell in the car while driving. I have good intentions, I swear. But somehow between the driveway and the actual road those intentions disappear and morph into supreme road rage. I don’t flip anyone off or anything rude. I just say shockingly awful things about them in general that I would never say to anyone’s face. Take today for instance. I asked one lady if she had,
“lost her shitting mind?!”
Why? I have no idea. It didn’t help with the driving situation, I mean, it made it more fun, but I probably shouldn’t do it. It made it a lot of fun.
I would like to say that I have learned my lesson and I will stop doing these things as of today, but I probably won’t. Actually, I know I won’t.