Today I looked exceptionally cute. I decided not to waste that cute at home, even though I have leftovers in my fridge, and decided to share my cute with the world. I took my cute to a restaurant. Of course I had no one to eat with so this was eating for one. No big deal. I learned how to eat by myself a few years ago, and I think I do it like a pro. I personally like to be seated in a booth, next to another booth full of noisy people. I can eavesdrop better in a booth. It’s an awful habit, but it’s been the best part about eating alone, and I’m not about to stop just because my conscience doesn’t agree. Plus it helps take the sting out of the inevitable, “are you dining alone today”? No, I’m sitting with those bitches over there, but they just won’t let me sit with them.
I feel like the waitstaff is picking a fight with me if they ask me more than twice if I’m dining alone. Today the waitress asked, and when I smiled and said nope, it was just me she made a face and said,
“awww, you never know he may show up”.
I’m sorry, but nobody better sit at my table and expect to eat with me. I don’t know who this mythical man is who trolls restaurants looking for seemingly pathetic women dining alone, but he sounds creepy. He’d probably expect me to buy his lunch I ain’t about that life today. I just want to sit here by myself, double dip in the salsa without remorse, and eavesdrop on these bitches talking about game shows and tattoos. I can’t do that if some fanciful weirdo shows up to have pity lunch with me.
Ooh, now they’re talking about drinking, and some dude’s massive amounts of body hair. Apparently, it looks like he is wearing a shirt even when he isn’t. I think I love these ladies. I wonder if we could have side by side booth lunch again tomorrow. The wide range of topics they’ve spanned in the last fifteen minutes is astounding.
It’s nice to not have to talk to anyone, but still be able to benefit from a conversation. I get all the juicy gossip about people I’m not emotional invested, and I can ignore the boring parts. I can stare at people all I want and they just have to take it because I’m by myself. I have nowhere else to look. It’s kind of fun to see how long you can stare at someone until they get nervous and look away. I like to pretend that I’m thinking, and not actually staring so they are double uncomfortable. They aren’t quite sure if you’re staring or not. I’m really good at the faraway stare too. It’s hilarious to see the confused look on their face turn into an embarrassed shifty eyed grimace after a few seconds. It’s almost as much fun as eavesdropping. If you’ve never done it, you should. It’s tons of fun.
All in all, eating by myself is one of my favorite things to do. There are a lot of things you can’t do when you’re eating with someone else at the table. I’ve got a list. Of course I’ve got a list.
1. Eavesdropping on other people’s conversations. You make new friends. You can’t ever tell them you’re friends, but no friendship is perfect.
2. Double dipping in all the sauces and salsa on the table. Normally, you can’t because it’s rude and gross, but when you’re the only one at the table you can put your saliva on everything.
3. Staring at people and making them nervous by giving them the “faraway” I’m thinking stare. Seriously, it’s fun. Do it.
4. Having the waiter’s undivided attention because they feel bad for you since you’re eating alone. It’s awesome. Your drink is never empty and your chip basket is always full.
5. If you’re lucky this weirdo will magically show up to eat with you if you’re desperate enough. Just make sure you have enough money for two people. You can’t tell me he’s expecting a dutch treat.