Not really. Well, I do like to bang, but I’m a classy lady, so I don’t advertise it. Today has been rainy and boring. The only thing to do on rainy, boring days is to drive around trolling for food. I’m very good at that. I know where to hit up all the sexy food within a fifty mile radius of my house. I’m that good at pitching food woo. I’ve been known to sweet talk the wrapper right off a steamy burrito in ten seconds flat, but I’m not trying to brag. I’m just that good. Once I had conquered, and was started sweet talking the shit outta my food at a red light I happened to see the hilarious sticker on the truck in front of me.
I just wanna BANG!
I pondered this for a moment while chewing my sandwich like I was making out with a sexy new boyfriend. All sloppy and awkward. I’ve never had the bravado to paste a sticker like that on my car. Hell, I had a Reading Rainbow sticker on mine. I would feel like I needed to explain it every time someone got into my car. “You see, I was drunk and it seemed funny at the time, but now it’s stuck and I can’t get it off my car now”. While I was wondering if this was the case an arm was thrust out the window into the rain, and tossed a full Sonic cup onto the street. WHAT THE ACTUAL SHIT?!
I dropped my sandwich from sheer appalled shock and waited for lightening to hit their truck. Nothing, they were some lucky banging folks in that truck. I searched for clues on their vehicle that would tell me what went wrong in their childhood that would cause them to throw a full drink into the street like gutter trash. They just happened to have a big American flag in the bed. A bit too ‘Murica if you ask me considering they were littering, but nobody asked me for my asshole opinions.
You see, I was raised that bad things happened to people that littered. Horrible, unspeakable things. I’ve never wanted to test whether or not it was true so I just never littered. I started sweating as the Sonic drink poured onto the street. That arm was going to hell I just knew it. If the light had not turned green I would have jumped out of my car right then, and scooped up the cup to save that arm from eternal damnation, but the light was green and there were people waiting. I was also raised to be polite and not keep people waiting. I drove away from the Sonic cup worrying about the fate of that arm. Was it gonna fall off? Turn black? Get eaten by trolls in the night?
I was determined to make the block and go back for the cup. Maybe the arm’s owner just wasn’t aware of the “we don’t litter” rule. I could hear my mom’s voice circling around in my head, “Wendy only rude, inconsiderate people litter. Do you want to be a person like that”? I was starting to get sweaty and twitchy just thinking about that cup. By the time I made it back around to the cup I saw a sweet little old lady bend down in the rain, snatch the cup up, and toss it into the trash. Whew! She knew obviously knew what happened to people who littered and was helping keep them from meeting a tragic fate. I would like to think that there is always someone who will pick it up if some misguided person litters. Like a hero, we’re there to save you from some unspeakable horror. I don’t know what it is, but do you really want to find out? I don’t. It’s like walking through someone’s lawn, or not saying bless you when someone sneezes. Better safe than sorry.
So my sandwich was all over my pants for nothing, but at least the cup got picked up. If you ever litter around me, and you see me pick it up for you don’t give me stink face. Who knows, maybe I just saved you from something scary. Say thank you, asshole. Then go apologize to your mother.