I just wanna bang and throw trash out the window.

Not really. Well, I do like to bang, but I’m a classy lady, so I don’t advertise it. Today has been rainy and boring. The only thing to do on rainy, boring days is to drive around trolling for food. I’m very good at that. I know where to hit up all the sexy food within a fifty mile radius of my house. I’m that good at pitching food woo. I’ve been known to sweet talk the wrapper right off a steamy burrito in ten seconds flat, but I’m not trying to brag. I’m just that good. Once I had conquered, and was started sweet talking the shit outta my food at a red light I happened to see the hilarious sticker on the truck in front of me.

I just wanna BANG!

I pondered this for a moment while chewing my sandwich like I was making out with a sexy new boyfriend. All sloppy and awkward. I’ve never had the bravado to paste a sticker like that on my car. Hell, I had a Reading Rainbow sticker on mine. I would feel like I needed to explain it every time someone got into my car. “You see, I was drunk and it seemed funny at the time, but now it’s stuck and I can’t get it off my car now”. While I was wondering if this was the case an arm was thrust out the window into the rain, and tossed a full Sonic cup onto the street. WHAT THE ACTUAL SHIT?!

wtf

I dropped my sandwich from sheer appalled shock and waited for lightening to hit their truck. Nothing, they were some lucky banging folks in that truck. I searched for clues on their vehicle that would tell me what went wrong in their childhood that would cause them to throw a full drink into the street like gutter trash.  They just happened to have a big American flag in the bed. A bit too ‘Murica if you ask me considering they were littering, but nobody asked me for my asshole opinions.

You see, I was raised that bad things happened to people that littered. Horrible, unspeakable things. I’ve never wanted to test whether or not it was true so I just never littered. I started sweating as the Sonic drink poured onto the street. That arm was going to hell I just knew it. If the light had not turned green I would have jumped out of my car right then,  and scooped up the cup to save that arm from eternal damnation, but the light was green and there were people waiting. I was also raised to be polite and not keep people waiting. I drove away from the Sonic cup worrying about the fate of that arm. Was it gonna fall off? Turn black? Get eaten by trolls in the night?

I was determined to make the block and go back for the cup. Maybe the arm’s owner just wasn’t aware of the “we don’t litter” rule. I could hear my mom’s voice circling around in my head, “Wendy only rude, inconsiderate people litter. Do you want to be a person like that”?  I was starting to get sweaty and twitchy just thinking about that cup. By the time I made it back around to the cup I saw a sweet little old lady bend down in the rain,  snatch the cup up, and toss it into the trash. Whew! She knew obviously knew what happened to people who littered and was helping keep them from meeting a tragic fate.  I would like to think that there is always someone who will pick it up if some misguided person litters. Like a hero, we’re there to save you from some unspeakable horror. I don’t know what it is, but do you really want to find out? I don’t. It’s like walking through someone’s lawn, or not saying bless you when someone sneezes. Better safe than sorry.

So my sandwich was all over my pants for nothing, but at least the cup got picked up. If you ever litter around me, and you see me pick it up for you don’t give me stink face. Who knows, maybe I just saved you from something scary. Say thank you, asshole. Then go apologize to your mother.

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12 thoughts on “I just wanna bang and throw trash out the window.

  1. Erin Burns May 21, 2015 / 11:09 pm

    I’m an asshole, because all I could think is “Who wastes Sonic ice?”

    Like

    • wendyblack1 May 21, 2015 / 11:12 pm

      LOL! It was a full drink. FULL! The money they wasted. All the way around. I think their mom is crying somewhere.

      Like

      • Erin Burns May 21, 2015 / 11:17 pm

        That is just a reprehensible human being. How do you just waste >$2 and make old ladies pick trash up? Things like that are why the world needs to elect me supreme dictator.

        Like

  2. Sarah Long May 21, 2015 / 11:44 pm

    My mom would stop the car and make us clean up a whole freaking mile of the highway if we even dared to litter. I only made that mistake once.

    Like

    • wendyblack1 May 22, 2015 / 12:33 am

      Yeah, mom was good at the evil lessons too. I threw a bubble gum wrapper on the ground when I was really little and she was horrified. I got the longest lecture of my life and had to pick it up and then pick up all the trash in the surrounding area. That was when she explained that horrible things happened to people that litter. I wanted no part of that.

      Like

  3. Kimberly May 22, 2015 / 12:22 am

    Maybe it was a dude having a fight with his woman and he was like “put down your drink and listen to me!” and she was like “slurp slurp”…so he grabbed the drink and tossed it “B….”…or maybe the arm was saving someone’s life because there was something sinister in the cup and they were like “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”…or maybe they were just jerks, slurped the drink and said “This is not what I ordered” and as the drink hit the ground their passenger whispered “nooooooo……It was mine…sob”….Are you sure it was full of actual Sonic beverage….it might have contained something else or was old and they were jerk monkeys with no social graces…..poor old lady, I hope she washed her hands very, very well…..

    Like

    • wendyblack1 May 22, 2015 / 12:36 am

      I hope so too. I have disposable gloves in my car. I’m not a murder! I keep them in the car to pick up trash and clean wounds of people I don’t know in emergency situations. I love your scenarios for why the cup got tossed out the window. I’ll pretend it was a dramatic relationship argument. Real soap opera stuff.

      Like

      • Kimberly May 22, 2015 / 2:32 pm

        As the drink hit the ground, he looks at her and says “Well?”…she looks at her now empty hands and slowly turns toward him and says “WELLLLLLL……you owe me a new cherry limeade….jerk face”…she then slowly turns her head the other way and proceeds to mutter very inappropriate things that involve monkeys and her mans soft bits….. Before all this went down he told her he loved her and went off on a tangent on what a wonderful and magical six weeks it has been….meanwhile she has been sucking on her Cherry Limeade like a mad woman….why you may ask…because secretly she has been planning on running away with his saner brother Bob to Brazil for a magical weekend of sun and oily,bronzed bodies….He got angrier the more she slurped and demanded she say something before he gave up on her and then…duhn duhn DUHN! the cup was a sad victim of their lovers quarrel…..

        Like

  4. Crystal May 22, 2015 / 2:04 am

    I blame captain planet for my hippie, earth loving ways. When I saw the title of this I thought you were going to be the one that threw the trash out the window. My heart hurt like you had just written ” I love cocaine and stripping”. Littering gets me all kinds of worked up. That redneck SOB has a special, filthy place in hell for him.

    Like

    • wendyblack1 May 22, 2015 / 3:04 am

      LOL! I think my skin would start boiling if I littered. I just don’t have it in me to be that bad. That’s too evil for me. It upsets me enough to keep disposable gloves in my car just so I can pick up other people’s trash.

      Like

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