I spent a long time thinking about what to get my mom for mother’s day. Flipping through old photo albums and reliving some awesome memories, I realized that the best thing I could give my mother was a friggin’ apology for mother’s day. A huge, gigantic apology. So, that’s what she is getting. One big apology from her little shit of a daughter for always being way too much sass, and not nearly as good or as sweet as her older sister. So here it is. I think I might use the good stationary.
The following is an apology for the things I thought of today. I’m sure I will think of more by next year. I will write those down, and have a longer list by then. Probably enough to write a whole awful book of all the reasons I’m sorry. As I looked through my old photos I came up with the following reasons:
Sorry for pooping in the ocean when I was six, wailing at the top of my lungs, needing a new bathing suit, and ruining your day at the beach. I was potty trained by then. What the hell was wrong with me?
Sorry for making my friend laugh while we were sitting on the top of those bleachers at daycare. They hit me while laughing, sending me over the side, and knocking me unconscious. I believe you told me a hundred times the proper way to sit on those bleachers. That wasn’t it. That was a crazy day, wasn’t it? At least we know my brain is okay now.
I’m sorry about that time I got big time sick, and puked on the welcome mat at that Blockbuster and embarrassed you. At least they still had Dirty Dancing. I think we watched it fifteen times before we took it back. We stepped right over that puke like we didn’t even care.
I sincerely regret all the times you were kind enough to take my greedy butt to a buffet restaurant where I would eat twenty plates of food, and you finally had to force me to leave while I complained that I didn’t get your money’s worth yet. We didn’t waste, and I wasn’t about to waste all that food they had out. I was gonna wreck it.
I’m sorry for making weird sandwiches out of all of the items in the fridge and then forcing you to eat them. I’m sure they were super nasty. I can remember one sandwich having:
olives, cream cheese, bacon bits, mustard, pickles, ham, ketchup, mayonnaise, all on lightly toasted bread. (Like lightly toasted bread was going to make it any better.)
I apologize, truly…I was an asshole of a kid to make you eat a sandwich like that.
And finally, from the bottom of my heart, I apologize for every time I farted in the car, essentially trapping you in a dutch oven of my own making. I was wrong. I should have rolled a window down, or at least cracked it a little. You deserved better.
Your shitty kid
P.S. I realize you hate when I cuss, and I’m fucking sorry for that too.